To the Mum in the Eye of the Storm

Up until a few days ago I was, most definitely, the mum in the eye of the storm. I was feeling totally overwhelmed and beaten down by life. I complained so much to my virtual village that I was sick listening to myself so goodness knows how they all felt! To be honest I didn’t even tell them the half of it. The place I was in was so dark and oppressive I couldn’t give voice to the emotions I was experiencing. I felt like there was a real chance someone might stage an intervention.

I was swamped with work, overwhelmed by trying to do it all and be it all. I work form home and I do love my job but it is so hard to turn off when your office is the internet. I’m still failing on almost every level – my house is a mess, my boyfriend neglected and my dog in severe need of training.

But that’s all just everyday stuff to be honest. That’s the reality of being a parent. The reason for my near breakdown was the most simple and yet the most complex. Lack of sleep.

My toddler was 3 weeks deep in the most epic jet lag of all time – more about that another day, the pain is still too raw. I have never been as tired, confused, angry, frustrated and lost as I was those three weeks. She breastfed round the clock, refused to sleep alone, barely napped and was in rotten form most of the day.

 

toddler tantrum eye of the storm motherhood stress

 

So anyway, the fog is lifting, sleep is slowly coming and I am here to tell you that I know how hard it is, being a parent. It’s awful sometimes. In fact some days are worse than you ever though possible and then the next day is worse again.

If you’re the mum in the eye of the storm – this is for you.

 

Teething. Sleep Regression. Bed Wetting. Tantrums. Picky Eating. Biting. Kicking. Throwing. Wonder Weeks. Hair Pulling.

You don’t have to enjoy these stages, there are some days where there is no happy to be found. That is okay! You are not a bad parent for not being able to cherish the tantrums. You don’t have to find the silver lining in another load of washing.

Sometimes you’ll look at your defiant child, take a deep breath and give a wry smile. You’ll smile because you see the side of their personality that will eventually mean you’ve raised a strong, determined human. But on other days, when you haven’t showered for a week and your eyes are like two piss holes in the snow you’ll look at that screaming monster and think:

“I could walk out this door right now buddy.”
“I could walk out of here and never look back. Becoming a Mum has stolen almost everything from me. My time, energy, creativity, patience, looks and you couldn’t care less.”

 

Some afternoons I’m an hour in to reruns of Bing Bunny, the living room is covered in toys and I know Flop is silently judging me. Matt’s due home in less than an hour, I’m in the same pyjamas I’ve worn for the last 72 hours. There’s nappies on the floor, no dinner in the oven and no hope of us making it to bedtime without one telling the other to go fuck themselves.

Being the centre of a very small universe is suffocating, it is so hard to loose your identity and be reduced to Duplo and snot. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.

There will be days when they’ll sleep – eventually and you’ll be flooded with guilt and love and vow to yourself that tomorrow you’ll do better, you’ll be more, give it your all. But there will also be days when you’ll get them off to sleep and think “Thank fuck I don’t have to look at that little brat for at least 4 hours.”

Maybe you think I’m a terrible Mother but I know I’m a fantastic one so judge away. If you’ve been the mum in the eye of the storm you hear me, you know.

 

mum in the eye of the storm

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10 Comments

  1. 10th February 2017 / 4:03 pm

    Amen sister!!! I’ve felt like that today. My house is a state, I’m still in my pjs, my child has lived off of breadsticks and rice cakes as I’m too tired to fight with him… it sucks balls but it will get better and tomorrow I may get dressed 🙂

  2. 10th February 2017 / 4:22 pm

    Ahh THIS!!! We’ve had one thing after another with Parker recently, and I’ll happily admit I practically skip and dance out of the room at nap time. We all need time to sit, breathe and get our sanity back. That definitely doesn’t make us bad parents xx
    Emily and Indiana recently posted…End of Term, Obsessions & Feeling Hopeful | #LittleLovesMy Profile

  3. 10th February 2017 / 7:59 pm

    You’re so far from a terrible mum. If any mum is honest, she has been there, and very likely often. I have. Sometimes it’s bloody awful and that doesn’t make you bad at anything, just human! I love this post and I hope the jet lag is passing and things are getting a bit better xxx
    Katie recently posted…Bump #2: 34 weeks pregnantMy Profile

  4. 11th February 2017 / 9:28 am

    I don’t think there is one mother out there who could say they hadn’t felt like this before. I certainly have, many times!! I love my kids and I love being a mam but it’s bloody hard. I’ve a very almost 2 year old and a 5 year old. Neither sleep through yet. The littlest has woken at least every hour since birth, often less. Ive been so sleep deprived for 5.5 years I worry for the long term damage to my health. It’s bloody hard!! Well done you for describing it so honestly. Great blog post. Will share it!

  5. 11th February 2017 / 9:39 am

    Every single bit of this is so spot on! I could have written it myself!
    Absolutely fantastic post!!
    We’re all there with you, trudging through the mud of mundane crap that comes with being a parent. It’s bloody hard, but doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids! We’re human, and sometimes is just hard, fact!
    Thank you for being rave enough to write what we all feel! Xx

  6. 11th February 2017 / 9:44 am

    Thanks for this! We’ve all been there and will be again no doubt. There is might at the end of the tunnel. It’s tough being a Mum but bloody rewarding (sometimes) too x

  7. 12th February 2017 / 11:32 am

    Oh boy, that’s on the button. Trouble is, my kids are 10 & 12 now and I’m at the stage when I think Fuck you I’m off…then I wonder, ‘will they even notice I’m gone’? That’s not true of course, of course they’ll miss me! And they both NEED me with their own special needs…it is, as you say, thankless sometimes. Let’s ride the storm out together ❤

  8. Rosie
    13th February 2017 / 5:54 pm

    I can’t relate to this so much. I was that mum for so long nobody noticed, it absolutely crucified my relationship. We are now separated and some days I smile to hide how I really feel because I don’t want to be ‘that’ friend. I know my friends would be gutted to hear me say that.

    Xxxxx

  9. 14th February 2017 / 7:40 am

    I agree with all of this. Parenting is so bloody tough – no matter your situation. Sometimes I just want to throw it all away and walk, doesn’t mean I don’t love my kid like mad. Keep going mama, you’re doing a great job xx
    Stacie recently posted…Smother, The Marlowe Studio, Canterbury*My Profile

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